The Black Box.

He remarks upon my layers - I've put on too many clothes! I say -  " Let there be light"! I'm so used to our opening conversation always being about the dimness of his room! He asks me, am I not too warm? And I say -  "Well, I know that intellectually" And this remark causes great hilarity. He says ' You don't know it physically? ( I laugh)  You do know it physically but it doesn't matter! More laughter... He asks me what sort of conversation we are going to get today? Me -  "The airplane - I sort of needed to put it together. It sort of came to me in the early hours of the morning - in that time when things get put together - so I just thought I'd write. To put together the airplane  that keeps crashing. It's crashed how many times now? The first challenge was cannibalism  (This refers to the times - many times - he has used an airplane as a metaphor during our conversations) He -  "Oh that airplane" Me -  "So this...

 I brought the fairy lights. Slender copper wire, and tiny, delicate white stars. He laughs, as I drape them gently over his bookcase... And then I'm giving him a card and his money in the card, and talking about how I feel I should offer him a white scarf in return for his teachings.. There is a poem, written in the card. It is the poem that I quote on the first page of my research project: Dust of Snow BY ROBERT FROST. The way a crow Shook down on me The dust of snow From a hemlock tree Has given my heart A change of mood And saved some part Of a day I had rued. He asks me why?  -  Why offer a scarf? I say  -  "Because that's how you do it, you offer a scarf to the teacher, and the money is in an envelope" I am  purposefully  missing out the obvious, that I'm treating him as a lama. He  - h e mentions a crow in the first line. I forget the title of the book - I haven't read it, but I've heard two different programs reviewing the book and sa...

 The door opens almost before I knock it! He -  "Hello, come in" He talks about heating, I mention the light. And the coffee is there, ready and waiting for me. I am assignment free for a day or two! The assignments make me feel as if I've been locked in a box, unable to think my own thoughts; that I don't know how I'd actually answer the assignments if I wasn't 'writing to pass'.  And to remedy this sense of being confined I talk about something I wrote for him last year. Me  -  "So we must still have been in lockdown, April last year? I remember saying something about ' Seven Sermons to the Dead '? And I wrote you the first one - and I did write another one - but I didn't read that second one to you. None of this makes sense" Foolishly I'm attempting now to describe a semi- shamanistic practice of 'riding' experiences . How feeling tones translate into image...I blame the pressure cooker effect of my assignments, I j...

I knock the door. Nothing happens! Feels like forever. I wait. He is making me a cup of coffee - before he opens the door.  He sees my surprise!  He  - What, you are going to change your mind today? Well, I thought, you never say no so why did I need to wait! As I sit down I'm saying that I've had enough of writing my assignments, that I just want to be  'let off' He -  Is writing associated with coffee! I reply  - "No, just my sense of time has gone wrong, and I'm out of sync, things happening at a different speed..."  My voice trails away. He -   So have you finished your assignments? Me  - "Oh god, no. I wont be finished for ages yet. They are relentless, finish one, another begins" And then I'm explaining how our three years of assignments are squeezed into two years. I am exhausted, and on the verge of being insane. And I'm talking about Unit 13, counselling children and how much I dislike   Erik Erikson  (stages of develo...

Grey skies. Rain. I want to write to him and say...surely it doesn't have to be this way. For my heart really is breaking. He  - Hello -The usual? Me  - "The usual." Then questions about heating and lighting - I sigh.  I sound beaten. Done... It's over. And I say  - "I keep meaning to bring fairy lights..." He  - Is it that dark! Fairy lights in the therapy room. it would be like Christmas everyday wouldn't it Me  - "The ones at home are just little stars on copper wire" He  - Be nice if it was a children's therapy I think Me  - "Hmm, children would interact with them - but by 15 years old, it would probably be OK" He  - Yes - but a 15 year old would probably consider them childish He asks about my assignments, I talk about comparing the three modalities of psychodynamic , humanistic and CBT . We now seem to be at crossed purposes. He is arguing that CBT isn't on the 'same par' as psychodynamic or humanistic modalitie...