Silence.

"Good reasons" not to speak out...?

Each good reason should be viewed as a serious concern,

Each good reason exists for a bad reason; because you have less power than they do, because they are threatening you, because a when someone needs to speak out and name the wrong that has happened to them - fear is a legitimate response to the threat the abuser poses to them. 

Silence makes sense. But being aware of the way power and threat works may give you a way to think through how best to tell your story, and how best to alert others.

Here is a list of the most common ways people are coerced into staying silent.

1. I can't bring public shame upon the community. This occurs a lot within spiritual abuse. Talking about the harm you know is being perpetrated by a fellow practitioner, or a beloved teacher could be framed as your lack of compassion, forgiveness, wisdom or your lack of skill, a sign that you haven't worked hard enough on yourself, proof that you cannot forgive or show respect because you can't see the bigger picture. Therapists feel this too. We don't wish to bring our profession into disrepute. I feel this every time I write here. The version of this lock-down process I know best happens in Tibetan Buddhism. If a person with Vajrayana vows suggests that their teacher is causing harm - they have destroyed their vows.  No debate! A person who dares to do this will experience loss of companionship, loss of friends, loss of status, and in their own eyes - what happens next? Leaving after investing so much time, so much hope...on and on it goes - Sogyal Rinpoche's beatings and the sexual abuse were framed as enlightened activity - literally he would hit people 'for their own good' (is how he explained it) violence defined as 'wrathful' enlightening acts of compassion. The logic goes like this: if you don't understand, you cannot become enlightened. The same theme runs in therapy, not to the same obviously unreasonable extent, but it is there. 

2. There is a moral dimension to being loyal or submissive. A good practitioner is taught to remain silent about abuse. It becomes normal. Accepting abuse becomes habitus. It shows that you are a legitimate member of the community. People who speak out are positioned as as disruptive, ignorant, troublemakers.

3. I need to protect the abuser. Unable to sever the bond, I will abandon myself to save them. Love, even when twisted out of shape and beaten black and blue protects and cares for the beloved. This is human, this is what we do. We show patience, understanding, we put ourselves second. Especially when the person causing harm is a family member, a partner, a dear friend it is almost impossible not to feel concern for the that person's state of mind, their health, their ability to work, the negative consequences of saying anything at all about the fear and abuse they are causing you. When my son was smashing up the house and threatening me, I dare not phone the police. I'd literally rather have been killed than do that. Same with my first husband, I took whatever and tried to live with it. This isn't weakness. There is no lack of strength in you, absolutely the opposite - but if you are doing this, you are suffering to keep hope alive, trusting in a better version of the abuser. Unfortunately at this moment, the better version doesn't exist and you really are being harmed. The better version may well reappear, but only after that person has decided to become different. 

4.  If I speak up I risk being labelled as mentally ill. Yes, you do. Usually BPD. Though I've come across people being told that they are over-reacting because of their ASC, or whatever concept of neurodivergence is the easiest to fit into the defensive reframe the abuser thinks fits you best. Damage is done to reputation, and to the victims understanding of themselves as the abuser compassionately explains to you and others how you are selfish, vindictive, mentally ill, just seeking attention. 

You get the picture.

5. No one will believe me, my credibility will be called into question. And others will join in, especially when the abuser is seen as a good person of good standing. The victim's account is immediately discredited. 

6. Expect to be blamed for the abuse. So many victims have been made to believe their abuse was self-inflicted or deserved. This is a real phenomenon..

7. I have left it too late! Time limits are placed on reporting abuse. It can take years for a person to recover enough to dare to open up the wounds again. When people ask, “Why did it take you so long to report this?” the implication is that the survivor was fine with what happened to them, and now they have suddenly decided to cause trouble.. 

8.  I am scared of the response. The silence of others is unspeakably painful. Friends and family, colleagues will abandon the victim. Expect anger as well, your account will be called betrayal. Facts are drowned out by emotion.

9. The threat of lawsuits. Victims are threatened and told not to go public with their story. The perpetrator does not see their own conduct as abusive, and they will play the victim. Then they can describe your attempt to reveal the facts as harassing them. As they have a lot to lose if they are investigated, they might even begin to believe that they are justified in taking this approach. Meanwhile, the real victims fear losing their jobs, legal expenses, and ruining their future job opportunities. They have every reason to be afraid. 

10. Potential condemnation for going public. Usually victims only go public when other ways to appeal are blocked. Nevertheless, this way of speaking out is often seen as cowardly and an attempt to get public support for something that 'wasn't that much of a deal'...