Silence: 'good' reasons not to speak out...until you can.

"Good reasons" not to speak out...?

There shouldn't be any good reasons to remain silent when you are suffering abuse. 

But, this isn't a perfect world, this is real life. So every time you think of a good reason not to speak out, keep yourself safe, and find a way to keep secure notes.. Because fear is a legitimate response to the threat, and power they have, they want you to be silent..

Trust yourself - Be aware of the way power and threat works. This can give you a way to think through how best to tell your story, and how best to alert others.

To help you to identify what's happening, here is a list of the most common ways people are coerced into staying silent.

1. I can't bring public shame upon the community. This occurs a lot within spiritual abuse. Talking about the harm you know is being perpetrated by a fellow practitioner, or a beloved teacher is called your lack of compassion, forgiveness, wisdom or your lack of skill. It will be seen as a sign that you haven't worked hard enough on yourself. It will be seen as proof that you cannot forgive or show respect, or see the bigger picture. Therapists feel this too. We don't wish to bring our profession into disrepute, we sign up and promise never to do this.

 A religious example, Tibetan Buddhism. If a person with Vajrayana vows suggests that their teacher is causing harm - they have destroyed their vows.  No debate!The consequences are that they will lose companionship, access to events, lose their friends, loss of status, and in their own eyes - how do they now see themselves? It is hard to leave after investing so much time, so much hope. Sogyal Rinpoche's beatings and the sexual abuse were called enlightened activity. He would hit people 'for their own good'  as  a 'wrathful' enlightening act of compassion. 

The abusive logic goes like this: if you don't understand, you cannot become enlightened. The same theme runs in therapy, not to the same obviously unreasonable extent, but it is there. A client who leaves therapy feeling worse, wasn't ready for therapy/didn't do the work/misunderstood the therapist? You get the picture

2. There is a moral dimension to being loyal or submissive. A good child, adult or parent is taught to remain silent about abuse. It becomes normal. Accepting abuse becomes habitus. It shows that you are a legitimate member of the community. People who speak out are positioned as as disruptive, ignorant, troublemakers. For instance, a parent who complains about how their child is treated at school might complain too much...a child who complains 'doesn't know what's good for them, and an adult who complains might be both of those things - a 'troublemaker' or too sensitive.

3. I need to protect the abuser. Unable to sever the bond, I will abandon myself to save them. Love, even when twisted out of shape and beaten black and blue protects and cares for the beloved. This is human, this is what we do. We show patience, understanding, we put ourselves second. Especially when the person causing harm is a family member, a partner, a dear friend it is almost impossible not to feel concern for that person. Their state of mind, their health, their ability to work, the negative consequences of saying anything at all about the fear and abuse they are causing you. 

When my son was smashing up the house and threatening me, I dare not phone the police. I'd literally rather have been killed than do that. Same with my first husband, I took whatever and tried to live with it. This isn't weakness. There is no lack of strength in you, absolutely the opposite - but if you are doing this, you are suffering to keep hope alive, trusting in a better version of the abuser. Unfortunately at this moment, the better version doesn't exist and you really are being harmed. The better version may well reappear, but only after that person has decided to become different. 

4.  If I speak up I risk being labelled as mentally ill. Yes, you do. Usually BPD. Though I've come across people being told that they are over-reacting because of their ASC, or whatever concept of neurodivergence is the easiest to fit into the defensive reframe the abuser thinks fits you best. Damage is done to reputation, and to the victims understanding of themselves as the abuser compassionately explains to you and others how you are selfish, vindictive, mentally ill, just seeking attention. 

You get the picture.

5. No one will believe me, my credibility will be called into question. And others will join in, especially when the abuser is seen as a good person of good standing. The victim's account is immediately discredited, and then.... 

6. Expect to be blamed for the abuse. So many victims have been made to believe their abuse was self-inflicted or deserved. This is a real phenomenon. You will be asked, why you didn't speak up sooner, why didn't you get help, why did you let things get so bad -you must have wanted it. And, that person was never abusive to anyone before you came into their life, obviously you are responsible!

7. I have left it too late! Time limits are placed on reporting abuse. It can take years for a person to recover enough to dare to open up the wounds again. When people ask, “Why did it take you so long to report this?” the implication is that the survivor was fine with what happened to them, and now they have suddenly decided to cause trouble. Or, it is a sick fantasy and if you insist that it is true, you need therapy.

8.  I am scared of the response.  You speak out and no one says anything to you. Friends ignore it as if they hadn't heard. The silence of others is unspeakably painful. Friends and family, colleagues will abandon the victim. Expect anger as well, your account will be called a betrayal - 'how could you say something like that about someone!' - Facts are drowned out by emotion.

9. The threat of lawsuits. Victims are threatened and told not to go public with their story. The perpetrator does not see their own conduct as abusive, and they will play the victim. Then they can describe your attempt to reveal the facts as harassing them. As they have a lot to lose if they are investigated, they might even begin to believe that they are justified in taking this approach. Meanwhile, real victims fear losing their jobs, legal expenses, and ruining their future job opportunities. They have every reason to be afraid. 

10. Potential condemnation for going public. Usually victims only go public when other ways to appeal are blocked. Nevertheless, this way of speaking out is often seen as cowardly and an attempt to get public support for something that 'wasn't that much of a deal'...

After all I've said here, please don't stay silent. Things can only change when silence is broken, by people brave and determined enough to name and describe what's happened to them. But, chose your moment. Make sure that you know how to get support - and then assemble as much evidence as possible.

Good luck.