The Black Box.

Note - the therapist I mention in this post isn't Kit! "Synchronicities take you to the edge, but no further;  the message is received but the source hidden.  Beyond the uncanny crackle of the signal you have to make a leap"  Erik Davis. 3 am.  I feel as if I'm covered in static electricity, St Elmo's fire .  I am unsure of myself.  The feeling is of darkness.  And of being swept away.  Of walking a labyrinth , a spinning void. To a place beyond the stars. What happened? Hours earlier, as the lights came up and everyone started to leave, we stood for about ten minutes trying to exchange phone numbers - my phone refusing to do RCS - I was trying to write his number into Google Keep.  Neither of us were thinking straight.  We had just seen Tool . Hours later - 3 am, 31st of May 2024 - my feelings were making even less sense. Sure, a lot had already happened but.. But at 3 am I couldn’t even tell if I was feeling my own feelings. I am used ...

Plato believed that Eros is the desire that can lead us to a Higher truth, and Jung agreed. But Freud grabbed the scissors, and began snipping cruelly at Eros... until there was nothing but blood and feathers falling around him like rubies and snow.   I am certain that many of psychotherapy's best theories and explanations are a continuation of much older concepts and ideas - repackaged so as to appear new.  So when ever Kit talked about fantasy 'with a PH '' (seems to be most associated with Melanie Klein, and Freud) I was trying to recall Ioan P Couliano's book:   Eros and Magic in the Renaissance.   Of course I wanted our sessions to lead us both to 'higher truths', and encounters with deeper mystery. This is the promise of Eros after all! But Kit, seemed to regarded therapy as disconnected from Eros - or he purposefully kept our conversations so.  And of course I too did my best to avoid showing any presence, or the effect on me of Eros. ...

When I began processing my therapy sessions last year (2023) my aim was to understand how my feelings for Kit came about, and  why it ended so badly.  And the end really was bad. I don't honestly know how I had the strength to walk out of his room, I felt so defeated, so crushed. To understand and answer these questions I re-entered the dialogues, my thoughts and feelings, and over the year 2023, I documented the therapy sessions 2021-2022. Most of them, not all. Some are too boring, or I accidently missed one out.  The fascinating thing is, that as I went through the dialogues I became aware of something unknown, unseen! Call it Factor X.  Factor X is the something, underlying Kit's entrenched beliefs. I can see the effect of X in the dialogues, in the way that it is as if Kit was unable to hear or consider the validity of my theories, and X - if found - it will help explain why his responses to me were as they were.  Also I think there could be more to ...

  Only one thing left to do now. To leave this blog to be found. Or  do I carry on? To stay with it, learn more, to speak up for other clients who receive well meaning lectures. Aversive, defensive in-humane... ending in Erasure. + But - there is only one choice from this moment onwards.. To live, to carry on. Because This happens to others too. + Yet in one layer of the multiverse I'm no longer here. In the other layer  I took all the sleeping pills and died  outside his door,  huddled cold on stone,  cold. My heart finally stilled. No drama, just the truth of it.  --

I honestly don't know what to make of his reply.  All I can be sure of is that he clearly has no wish to understand what might have been harmful in his approach, therefore he has no intention of asking himself what he could do to improve.  I'm fortunate to have had this experience, and rest assured I would not treat any client as he treated me. But also, if someone wanted me as a therapist to help them reach resolution I'd be negligent not to step up and do my best.   I'm saying that his conduct breaks our ethical code .  Now I don't know which of us is right - there are many FUBAR theories in psychotherapy . But you gentle reader can read my account and decide what you think. I am sorry that we don't have the whole thing, it would be better to have his point of view too. Unfortunately, this is the best I can do. And to be honest I felt threatened by his reply. ----- In the 14/2/22 session I had promised him ' confidentiality ' but I now see that pro...

It has taken me almost two years to admit the obvious. I don't want to say that I'm a victim, but his reaction to my honesty was harmful - I was harmed. What makes this even more significant is that I was harmed by therapy.  It is a therapist's responsibility to know what is going on within his or herself, and not let it 'contaminate' sessions.  And without recordings...would I know this? Wouldn't I simply have blamed myself, called myself a fantasist, thought that there was something desperately wrong with me? I've done that before, I am bound to do it again. This is why I recorded our sessions. Without recordings there is no way on earth I could ever process this! He has no intention of ever speaking of it, and though I honestly believe that I should make an official complaint, I don't think he is in any fit state to cope with it.  Or, that's what he want's me to believe? But during our sessions, what was going on in his mind? There were times ...

OK, this is hard - I need to dig deep. The pain of it is almost beyond my endurance, and yet at the same time I am above, observing, watching and recording. The pain is like wearing a dress made of nettles. And so I turn towards it, embrace it  and connect. Holding out my hand I ask into the empty air, 'what is your name? ' In the roiling blackness of the void I hear the words  'I am your intoxication'.  Gently I ask the pain, what do you need?  My hand touches something cold and rough, like shark's skin. And below me deep under an ocean of tears and a crimson gush of my heart's-blood, the words 'love and soul ' boil, radiant and poisonous as a nuclear flash. The sun turns blue, a 'vision' of Cherenkov light, 'the blue sun' I'd seen in my semi-psychotic state when I had left the therapy room for the last time. "love and soul..." Returning from inside to out, directing my vision to the keyboard, to the soft white light of th...