The Black Box.

“Neither observation nor reason are authorities. Intellectual intuition and imagination are most important, but they are not reliable: they may show us things very clearly, and yet they may mislead us. They are indispensable as the main sources of our theories; but most of our theories are false anyway. The most important function of observation and reasoning, and even of intuition and imagination, is to help us in the critical examination of those bold conjectures which are the means by which we probe into the unknown." Karl Popper, 'Conjectures and Refutations'. OK, part 2. Part one was about the episcript [+] - which is a weird phenomenon! Part two is a descent even further into the murky realms. I'm going down into the place where the bad fishes swim.  Once again I wish to point out that this conjecture is only that. Without dialogue - who knows what was going on in his mind! I'd like to get clarity, but I don't see any way for it to happen.  [+] So...bad ...

There is an image of me, on my knees, my husband's boot is pressed into my back - and it really wasn't an erotic experience. During that BDSM phase I partitioned the probability that his version of domination wouldn't reach me, whilst hoping that that it would,  eventually . Due to a really awful experience years before, a whole universe of catastrophically traumatic memories were locked in my body. I'd experienced the splitting that occurs when one's body reacts in a way that the mind cannot accept, and I wanted to go back there, to re-experience that with someone I trusted; to restore my sense of being able to chose, and to take back control.  So, all this is difficult to unravel. Perhaps the most difficult thing for me to pick up on as I recall my experiences, is the role transgression plays. My guess is that the transgression has to break the submissive's rules, to create the altered state known as subspace .  Kit calling me a minx, was not exactly the bes...

Bad therapy intrigues me at the moment.  Because none of us want to be bad therapists, and all of us have written thousands of words describing what good therapy is, and how to provide it. Bad therapy is a continuum, a lot of what makes it not good might be good for someone else, or seem too trivial to care about for others. But clients are often in an extremely vulnerable state of mind, and trivial can be the last straw. For instance one client may love sharing the room with the therapist's dog. But not every client will want that to continue - a person who is in therapy already feeling as if their words and emotions don't count won't, can't speak up. The task of the therapist is to notice this - to use their sensitivity in sensing how others might feel, and to be aware of the emotional tone of the other person's response. And then respond in such a way to honour this. It might not be easy. But it is important and it is our responsibility to notice discomfort. Timi...

Late last night I caught a video of him teaching. I could only watch for a few minuites before the ache in my heart made me shut my eyes in pain, powerless to stop my tears. I switched the computer off. Tried to walk away from the cascade of feelings and thoughts. And woke today, back in Muxia, on the Costa da Morte. The desire is the same, to just go there - as quiet as a hare, to curl up by his door, to hope that the cold stills my heart as a I sleep beyond waking... It is simple, I don't want to die, but nor do I want to live with this pain. I just want it to stop! Muxia is the red warning light on the dashboard, it indicates that something is very, very wrong. The image of myself, dead outside his front door hidden from the street by the darkness of the stone passageway shows me how I truly feel. I was shut out once 'therapy' was over. And the things that he said in sessions that were wounding, feel like fish-hooks under my skin. As if I'm trapped forever just there...

It has been three years since I recorded the mp3 to tell him about how I feel about him. And three years awareness of how my requests for open and honest dialogue were ignored.  I'm still thinking about some of his inappropriate responses to the emotions I felt when I spoke with him; such as how he laughed as I spoke about being paralysed by horror and fear.   If you are reading this blog, you know that he refused any kind of resolution or mediation process. So I chose to publish my therapy sessions. The transcripts are scheduled for 2065 (the paraphrased versions are a part of this blog).  This hasn't been an easy decision to make.  A part of me remains uneasy about it.  The alternative? I seriously considered making an official and formal complaint. Now, in October 2024 we are about eight months away from it being too late for that as there is a three year window.  Actually I'm not sure, I may have more time?  And yet the reasons why I don't see comp...

Note - the therapist I mention in this post isn't Kit! "Synchronicities take you to the edge, but no further;  the message is received but the source hidden.  Beyond the uncanny crackle of the signal you have to make a leap"  Erik Davis. 3 am.  I feel as if I'm covered in static electricity, St Elmo's fire .  I am unsure of myself.  The feeling is of darkness.  And of being swept away.  Of walking a labyrinth , a spinning void. To a place beyond the stars. What happened? Hours earlier, as the lights came up and everyone started to leave, we stood for about ten minutes trying to exchange phone numbers - my phone refusing to do RCS - I was trying to write his number into Google Keep.  Neither of us were thinking straight.  We had just seen Tool . Hours later - 3 am, 31st of May 2024 - my feelings were making even less sense. Sure, a lot had already happened but.. But at 3 am I couldn’t even tell if I was feeling my own feelings. I am used ...

Plato believed that Eros is the desire that can lead us to a Higher truth, and Jung agreed. But Freud grabbed the scissors, and began snipping cruelly at Eros... until there was nothing but blood and feathers falling around him like rubies and snow.   I am certain that many of psychotherapy's best theories and explanations are a continuation of much older concepts and ideas - repackaged so as to appear new.  So when ever Kit talked about fantasy 'with a PH '' (seems to be most associated with Melanie Klein, and Freud) I was trying to recall Ioan P Couliano's book:   Eros and Magic in the Renaissance.   Of course I wanted our sessions to lead us both to 'higher truths', and encounters with deeper mystery. This is the promise of Eros after all! But Kit, seemed to regarded therapy as disconnected from Eros - or he purposefully kept our conversations so.  And of course I too did my best to avoid showing any presence, or the effect on me of Eros. ...