The Black Box.

He - "So, do we have part 4?" Me -  "We do!" Part 4. Above clouds, between the void of space, above the pull of earth. I am drowsy between reality and anxiety.  At times like this when I have sought the glittering edge, I’ve longed for a simple way in; the perfect drug, the perfect word, the instant translocation .. Again, I've not posted the rest here.   He asks me if anything changes because I write.?   Me -  "Does anything change because I write. Everything changes, but does anything change because I write. This is - this writing - its like you are talking to the real person, but I'm aware that things must change, but I can't say what changes" He tells me that it isn't necessary that everything changes... Well ultimately change is the nature of this universe, but unless things change the suggestion is that I can keep coming here, we can keep having these one sided conversations as long as I pay him! I can't say this again. I'...

We begin by talking about the 23rd of May 2022. This will be the date of my last session, because it is when my course finishes. And this date is significant. Two years before, on the 23rd of May 2020 - my husband set in motion the resonance cascade that shattered our family.  My only hope, during this session was that I'd be able to contain my feelings; I felt there to be no way out and no way forward. I'd asked him to tell me how he felt in the mp3, and again in the 14th February session, possibly other times.  I'd said that this is how I get closure.  It never happened.  Instead he diagnosed my recording as transgression.   At the time of this session I couldn't take more instances of my feelings being dismissed, or described as crossing boundaries . H e was reacting as if my honesty opened a door to a  contaminating force , and as if this could ruin a professional, ‘clean’ therapy process.  Misogyny is not gendered. It is a prejudice against chara...

Ah me, he asks, as always - if it is light enough?  Does he ask this of everyone, or me alone. And then, he is asking me about an email I sent, requesting that we change the day of our sessions to a Friday. He asks, 'what was that about'? I sometimes think it takes all the years I've been a trainee to get past questions like this without mischievously giving a spurious reply!  I have no hidden agenda. The truth is very boring and related to work schedules  His reply is emotional, well - more emotion than I'd expect. Except all he says is, 'OK, so that's sorted' Did he hope that if I needed to change my day, he would be able to say that he's fully booked?  This is my sad and discouraging interpretation. Or perhaps he feels relief that I'm not going? I hold onto that last thought, 98% certain it isn't true. He asks me where I want to go today... Me -  "Well, we could do part 2 because I'm not sure where the plane is going" Untrue - ...