How to stay sane when someone is using a denial process.
- The person using denial will create an altered reality.
- It will be an interlocking web of denial statements and narratives.
- They will import reasonable arguments to support their unreason.
- They will use deception.
- They will re-frame using kindly terms for cruel words or actions.
- And they will tell you again and again how nice and reasonable they are being...
I don't think that it is possible to remain sane when your legitimate request for something to change, is met with denial!
But understanding what might happen, knowing just how bad things can get if you complain, will help you to remain on your own side.
When a person finds themselves in a relationship ( partners , work, with an institution) that is beginning to feel off, or hurtful, it is easy to either blame yourself for being too sensitive, or blame them for being insensitive. My advice? Go read Marshall Rosenburg's book: Non-Violent Communication.
Specifically notice his statement judgments of others point to one's own un-met needs. Do this to create a sense of direction, ask yourself what you really need - and needs are described in feelings, for example; to feel safe, heard, seen, warmth, laughter. What need is the relationship compromising? What changes could happen to rectify this?
Make a list.
The toughest thing to deal with is needing things to change for the protection of others. This is probably going to involve systems.
Check in with yourself always, but never do this to dismiss your intuition, gut feelings or fear. The purpose of naming your own needs is to shine a light on what's happening, and to find ways to protect yourself.
Let's imagine that you are now clear about what you need more of, and you have suggested a change, and how that change will improve things, and they look and say that they are happy about your suggestion and agree to it.
And nothing changes....
Problem.
A name for this is 'meat loafing' - "I'll do anything for love, but not that!" They agree, and nothing changes. This is a denial of your truth, of your legitimate needs. In some ways it is better to get a plain no! Most often, meat loafing is to put you off. And soon denial is going to be used to make you feel that you were totally wrong in how you saw a situation, and consequently how out of order you are if you continue to express your request for things to change!
Antidote.
Make notes. Make recordings. The purpose of notes and recordings is to raise your awareness. It is very easy to dismiss your version of events to avoid conflict. Recordings allow you to actually hear the tone of voice, and what was actually said.
A recording helps you to find out what is it that they want you to rubber stamp for them? What are you enabling them to continue doing, if you don't continue to ask for change?
When you are clear in your own mind about what you need to change - You let them know that you will need their input to sort things out. This means that you need to plan how you can both negotiate in a safe way. Once you know what needs to change, it's best to describe what you want rather than what you don't want.
But, if their denial process kicks in again - they will avoid taking any responsibility...and:
Problem.
They demand that you see them as having a more credible and 'real' version of the truth, and that you have to agree that you alone, have a problem.
Antidote.
Refer to your notes and recordings. Check again, what is actually happening. If they believe that you are the cause of your distress, this is now their problem not yours.
It is their problem because they are failing to consider the implications. What if you have brought to their attention something that they do, and will do to other people?
You have done them a favour!
Problem.
Their communication doesn't address what happened, it looks, feels, sounds like they are trying to frustrate you.
Antidote.
Then they probably are! Don't be too quick to agree that you haven't explained yourself very well, step out of the dialogue.
It will feel awful, they have pushed your buttons and might succeed in getting you to boiling point.
Find a safe way to be angry about this that doesn't involve them!
If you express your frustration with them to them they will say 'see how irrational you are'! So, do your very best not to go there.
Stay aware of your pulse rate if possible, use it as a guide.
Problem.
They expect you to forget about it, to let them off, and to agree that what happened doesn't matter...
You disengaged after the last conversation when it was obvious that they were not interested in solving the problems. And you can feel that they are deadly serious about frustrating and dis-empowering you. If you now doubt yourself, and find yourself thinking that they are right...
You know that they were attempting to make you give up, by dismissing your observations, your thinking, and demonstrating that they don't give two hoots about your feelings.
So, call their process by the right name. They are fighting. This is conflict. They do not want collaborative dialogue, they do not want to negotiate.
This is not good.
Antidote.
This is really tough. If it is a work place dispute, push for independent mediation. If you are not in a situation where mediation is possible, seek support, don't let them off. It happened. This is now becoming gaslighting. Keep keeping records.
As you haven't dropped your complaint and request for change...
Problem.
They want you to keep what happened secret. In effect for you to agree to keep their secret for them. In effect to help them preserve their false face.
They want you to compromise.
To be on their side.
Antidote.
At this point things can get nasty. They feel as if their identity is being threatened. Empathy may work, if you can find a way to show that you don't want anyone to be punished, you just want a recognition of the problem and things to be improved - you don't want anyone to be shamed or blamed.
But things have to change!
But to someone deep in denial, empathy can sound like sarcasm. This is part of the denial, because if at this point they allowed their version of events to be explored, and their version to be questioned - this feels dangerous! For them! So this stage is extremely difficult and frustrating and you might want to compromise because it will stop their pain?
Comprising isn't great.
Compromise is better than conflict, it might be better in the short term, it will offer a respite. But it isn't a position I can recommend.
At this point I'd disengage. They have had plenty of time to see that there could have been ways to improve things for everyone.
It hasn't happened
Depending on how you feel, if you want to continue, you have records, you know what happened. So the history is going to be be told by you.
What you say, where you say it, when and how you will tell other people is now completely up to you.
Probably, the more people who know the better. Because there are so many ways an abuser can silence and undermine your account...
Problem.
They expect you to allow them to remain in power.
They fight back, they do their very best to prove how out of order you are.
Antidote.
Consider, what effect their position of power has. And what the effect of their use of power is on other people? It is probable that what happened to you is going to happen again to someone else.
Assess your own resources, how do you get resources enough to skilfully shift power?
If a person refuses to negotiate, and you can't let what happened be forgotten, the person fighting will escalate, and call in 'higher powers ' to silence you...
Knowing that you have done your best is important. Ending, to protect your family and your future is important too.
Whistle blowers rarely get any thanks, nor do they get support or help after they lose their job - and friends. Most, walk away as soon as HR gets involved, feeling as if, to quote one person "as if the attack dogs were let loose".
There might be other ways to protect others, by being the change. But honestly? Don't ever blame yourself for other people's unkindness and intransigence.
The ending where Hollywood buys your story and makes a film?
Perhaps! Could be happening in a different slice of the multiverse!
Sorry - I wish I could be more positive.
One thing I do know though- never undervalue your truth, your feelings, your experience. If the other person rubbishes your story, casts a poisonous gas-light around the issue, nothing will reduce the amount of courage and integrity you have shown, and nothing can ever take that away.
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