February...fantasy into abuse.

It is February - and I always get the urge to do something about what happened in February. But doing something is dangerous. The intuition that I was 'standing on thin ice '  when I sent him my victim statement proved true.

My vow to make the narrative and information freeware, wrong term - but it fits - continues. It is doing something - my writing here, but I want to do more. Next step is to get the story published.

Why?

Because whistle blowers get a very raw deal - surely a reason not to!!! Whistle blowers are treated very badly, even if we've never seen the aftermath I think we all know this. Hollywood creates stories to rebalance the truth. But Hollywood isn't about the truth. And so people prefer not to complain; much safer to try and remain stoic, plus a just get on with it mentality is seen as noble. Primarily because conflict creates damage. Don't cause trouble is sensible, rational, could be that you simply didn't understand the situation and you wouldn't want to be the one making such a fool of yourself? We are socialised into displaying humility, saying 'I don't know the whole story, perhaps I'm wrong? I don't want to do anyone any harm'.

So abusers get away with it.

We know this.

And it feels very wrong to say that psychotherapy could be harmful. Though of course, this is why my training took so long, and why I'm going back to university. We want to do our very best. But I want it understood here and now that psychotherapy isn't scientific, most of what we are taught is a set of interlocking concepts. They are compelling, but they were created within a culture. They are not the truth, about you, about anyone. Just metaphors. 

Relationship is the thing that heals. But this too gets tangled up and corrupted by therapeutic concepts - linking the reparative relationship with the therapist's idealised notions of the child, and childhood in particular! 

Or rather, that was my experience.

The causes of how the therapist successfully re-traumatized me rests with what I'd call, therapeutic mythologies. These metaphors and compelling explanations were quoted in my direction, as if the therapist was a cult member. They sound nice, they sound reasonable and yet - the therapist had summoned Gottman's famous 'four horseman of the apocalypse'. The horseman? Contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling - this is not therapy.

The therapist criticised me, he attacked my character calling me tangential and contrary. He showed contempt, attacking my sense of self by taking the moral high ground, calling me transgressive. He acted defensively.... after stonewalling.

And all this could be forgivable except, he's a psychotherapist. 

And I was a psychological wreck.

As a result of my experience, I say forget my training, I've learnt so much more through writing this blog. Because I'm really aware now of the damage therapists can cause. I'm reading other client accounts, of devastating therapy, and looking at the dynamics of the so called reparative relationship.

Therapists ending therapy badly is a big problem too. 

The power dynamics within therapy are not explicit. They prevented me daring to speak openly! Therapists are taught to be aware of power, but I don't think that the truth of it sinks in? It is too easy for a therapist who is feeling out of his depth because therapy doesn't seem to be working, to describe the discomfort both client and therapist feel in the relationship as the client's fault! Or rather as somehow the client's responsibility, for handing over their power and seeing the therapist as more powerful than they are- as if only one person is involved here!

The language, or rather the culture, evolved from and by the BDSM community is of help in describing what happens. Power exchange is integral to BDSM. And I think asking any practicing Dom or sub about how to manage turbulence and transgression within a power exchange would be more informative than reading books for and by therapists! 

So, how is a power dynamic managed in BDSM? A BDSM scene is purposely created around an exaggerated power differential. A scene allows fantasy to be accessed to create altered states. And a scene is a consciously altered reality. It is also an experience that could be extremely abusive. It probably looks abusive! So why isn't it? What prevents harm? Simple. A BDSM scene avoids being abusive because everyone involved understands that this is a scene. We could say the same thing about therapy? It is a liminal zone. The difference is, both, all people involved have a commitment to exploration and the value of heightened states. The scene can be stopped and restarted, in other words, fantasy is switched on an off, and on again. Safety is maintained by each person's commitment to awareness; demonstrated through being able to access one's deepest thoughts and feelings, through prizing vulnerability, demonstrated by naming, asking, expressing 'difficult' feelings and emotions.

In therapy terms, rupture is important. It should never be seen as one person's problem! It is the bridge that leads a therapeutic relationship towards becoming actual therapy!

BDSM is an exploit of primal, hardwired hopes and fears. A hijacking of ancient and contemporary neural pathways. Power and control are forces to be practiced, explored. Giving, taking, surrendering. At the core, there must be a foundation of trust and honour that goes both ways.

It is understandable that Eros is blamed for causing people to lose control. But... BDSM confounds that simple minded version. BDSM invites Eros in, hands him a bottle of wine, gives him the keys. Because control isn't arrived at by trying to ignore or even to kill Eros. He's always around! Awareness is prime. Control is a matter of breath work and self knowledge, switching attention, energy management. Respecting Eros is essential, it is a formidable power.  How to use it safely though,  knowing how not to harm others via the energy of Eros, isn't default, it's knowledge. It is embedded in every culture and flows through language transmitting skills, patience, self discipline - the ability to sit with fuzzy unclear feelings, the ability to think before speaking. And always the ability to shift out of a scene when it is important to re-center, re-negotiate. 

To deal with a rupture in trust, in flow, in misunderstanding. Power suddenly equalises, because both people understand the necessity.

For sure, the requisite knowledge to do this well, knowing how to create and dissolve and then recreate power and control, will not be found through learning how to recognise and support infantilization, or through 'reparenting', therapist role play, pseudo-parent. 

The pseudo-parent role is almost that of a Dom, but a Dom role gone very wrong...the therapist truly believed that being a victim with a victim was the right way to proceed! Safe, powerless... The tell? He thought Fritz Perls, cruel for not doing this. (Saying to Gloria "are you a little girl"?) Instead Perls acknowledged the power exchange with Gloria and handed power back, spinning with the invite to step up and really feel this moment.

I only mentioned my BDSM past once to the therapist. Towards the end. He almost fell off his chair! Again.