Fourteen days later.

Catabasis - allowing oneself to face the worst. Waves of depression. Worse than imposter syndrome, the belief that everything I've learnt is flimsy, useless, the 'sticking plaster over the wound' version of therapy that fails to address the real issues. 

I just find myself crying..

Or coughing.

Or staring into space, my body on fire, skin crawling with ants.

Anxiety and grief, the shattering of self.

So it goes.

And what has saved me every time is knowing how to deconstruct reality (30 years of meditation), four years of Wim Hof method - to allow my nervous system to reset, and four years of working with clients, practicing solution focused therapy (deconstruction and reconstruction). 

There is a practice in Tibetan Buddhism called Chod. Today has been something like that for me. In Chod the first step is to deconstruct the self, and then to offer the attachment to that self up - to demons, to ghosts, to monsters. To let the worst have their way, to let them feed. Because they too are mind (my mind). 

Tomorrow, enough!

Time for reconstruction.

Until then...