Intermission.

I'm still ill. Almost phoned for an ambulance yesterday. That bad, difficulty breathing in.

But, got through. So, here I am. Morning routine. Three rounds of Wim Hof, following a brief panic about the wording of my insurance.

Realised again that interviewed under caution isn't the same as being under caution. But I need this in writing. Verbal wasn't enough to stick in my cautious mind.

So, Wim Hof, then good coffee - which I can't taste due to my COVID like, non COVID. Sitting outside, soaking up the blue of the sky, the good green around me. Listening to:

Next comes the cold shower of course.

Breakfast...

Then I'm as done as I can be. 

And today?

All clients cancelled because I can't talk, only cough.

Many thoughts. What to do with today, how to navigate a safe encounter with the hurt and rage that bubbles under fear and compassion. I heard someone talking to Huberman about idiot compassion...my understanding came from Trungpa.

Idiot compassion includes being kind to someone who requires instead a wrathful reply. Sometimes too much really is too much. I tend towards idiot compassion because I see myself as able to absorb other people's fears, insanity, and because I have seen the negative effect of systems stepping in to 'help'. I rationalize all this and point to my protocols for self care..

Right...

My first target has to be to fill in the complaint form to his ethical body, knowing it is run through AI to determine the possibility of a case. This should tell me something about how to use language.

Then on Thursday, after the something mandatory on Wednesday I decide about hitting send...or better still, I write to the police to get the contact details of the solicitor.

Ok, doesn't come naturally to entertain these thoughts. Dissolving into emptiness? Ha, one more Western fantasy of the East! A way to avoid the discomfort of personal responsibility.

Meanwhile, am I being pulled into his insane reality if I chose fighting back?

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