The 'something'.

The something took place on Wednesday. I drove to the most godawful town I've ever had the misfortune to visit. And it was obvious that no one should stop there. Zero street parking. A car park with no visible entrance was my first problem, almost as if you had to be someone who knows the secret door, no strangers allowed. I mean, Innsmouth. I should have taken the bus to get the full effect!

With minutes to spare before the dreaded something, I found a parking bay and fed the machine some coins. 

No way to pay by card. 

The air was so cold, I was seeing snow. 

I never, ever want to be there ever again as long as I live!

I've seen this in others, the people sent to see me who take counselling as the final insult. My heart breaks for them. And now I know exactly how they feel. And the godawful town, made me think of a colleague whose misfortune it was to work here, how she was offered all sorts of interesting opportunities when she accepted the job. But the job turned out to be endless phone assessments, and admin presided over by a bullying boss who refused to set up mediation when things were obviously beyond intolerable. Towards the end of the year she had trouble not driving off the road, to make it all stop. And she was sacked a day before her year. They believed that saying that she had failed her probationary period was OK. It wasn't OK, and they had acted in a way that left them open for prosecution, but by then she had nothing left inside to fight with.

The something?

The something was a fifty page (or more) assessment tool. And Mrs Boring (that is me) got to skip so many sections; not having a partner in my life, no gambling, no drugs, kids all grown up. 

I spent more time telling my story.

The very first question was, 'Who was responsible in your opinion for the offence'. I said 'both of us' but of course, assessment tools don't work like that. To suit its binary simplicity I changed the answer to 'it was me...because...' and explained that harassment had been a request for notes, a promise to make this story 'freeware (I meant CC) and a victim statement, which I had believed to be less disempowering and threatening than making an official complaint. Nevertheless, it was horrible for him - though as therapists understanding that errors can be made and repaired, and that emails can be answered with kindness should be default.

I rest my case.

Regardless, the people doing my assessment heard 'he seduced you, but you are still protecting him!' 

I didn't argue.

It was a relief actually, to allow someone to see it that way. And the solicitor too had tried to take that tack - but me being me, I had truthfully said 'no, he did everything by the book; except for retraumatizing me and refusing to apologise'. 

It isn't quite over yet though. I need to contact the police to get the solicitor's contact details, and to ask if the therapist handed over the session transcripts - as he seems to know law a lot better than me I am certain he foresaw the problem of handing over transcripts; not least that the police would read what he had said to me! I'm curious too, to find out how long they keep video evidence (my statement). 

And the something - I have a phone call on Monday to ask me if I need anything - and then, and then this awful darkness must be over.