Running away...

Clearly I've wanted to (run away) I guess that I'm at the tail end of the storm. Everything I've wanted to run from, and still want to run away from is seeped in aversion - but I don't run. 

Period. 

Never have, never will.

This looks like an effect of threat, that stage where the victim goes into total dissociated shut down, then suddenly gets up and runs! The cat is bored and the mouse that looked dead suddenly dives for safety! But no, I'm not downloading From coach to 5 K 

What I'm in feels a lot like burn-out, when I used to work in the NHS. It is a blank, horrid state, no one told us about it, there was nothing to be done about it. The symptom was - other than simply feeling either switched off and blank, or needing to run - was that I used to imagine walking into the sea, just letting everything go over my head and let myself drown in it. The music of those times was Strange Day...


I was working at the Accident hospital nothing stressful there!

Anyway, the symptom this time isn't shoes or The Cure. Instead it is compelling explanations! Interesting how compelling they feel.

To be fair to myself, it isn't random aversions. But they never are! I'm looking for a reason to run, and my mind has focused on data collection. The questions I have to ask charity funded clients are questions that I would never ask private clients. When therapy is being paid for by organisations that deal in data - "to help integrate and analyse health data for better planning, care delivery, and efficiency" this is the deal. They want data, they pay me for being a therapist...therapy isn't about data collection. But.

I need the money.

I can use that money to buy courses, to pay for listings, and of course to buy nice food! And I have my new direction to create. Plus who knows when this ridiculous Jenga Tower financial existence of mine will come toppling down? No, not sensible to run or even to walk away from earning money doing a job I love. 

And the other thing I was trying to run from? 

This blog. 

It started as an investigation into Eros in therapy, and my compelling explanation to leave it is that as I've explored everything I should 'go back home' and just forget everything. A part of me agrees, what part is that? 

No, I'm advising myself to get mad! 

I've got holiday, hooray!

Until I find my rage...I'll let Covenant say it all!







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