Someone to complain to...

I'm listening to File on Four, (read here) a BBC investigation into bad therapy...I'm feeling hurt, frustrated, blocked. 

Mostly I feel about what happened to me, as if I'm returning to a bowl of sick.

Sorry...horrid image.

I can't let this feeling win..

Labour MP, Geraint Davies has proposed a new law which would outlaw people calling themselves psychotherapist or counsellor without the proper training. He also wants them directly regulated by Government, much like a doctor or a dentist. 

I know this sounds as if it would solve the problem, but the therapist was registered, he had a Masters in psychotherapy, and he is a member of the most prestigious of the ethical bodies, UKCP. But when I wrote to UKCP seeking advice - because I was reticent about starting a formal complaint process as it would have done to him what he did to me - the reply from UKCP seemed to have come from an AI. The reader had ignored my meaning, and simply scanned the email for evidence! Demonstrating - regardless of if that reply was from a person or AI -  that UKCP has no interest whatsoever in helping a complainant through any ethical dilemmas, shame, or fear. 

To be honest, this is truly shocking...

The reason why UKCP doesn't bother to understand the content of emails is beyond me. But I see a sinister symmetry here, the therapist was able to keep on being abusive because I didn't feel able to challenge, but he didn't see any reason to behave differently. I have no idea why he chose to be abusive...I know exactly why I couldn't risk challenging him. The reason why he didn't see any reason to behave differently is also beyond me. 

Mostly - as I've said probably 100 times already, the problem is the complaints process. So I am slowly, slowly beginning to address this with my ethical body. There is a new draft of the ethical framework being worked on at present [link] and members are able to comment. My proposal is that it is a therapist's duty to attempt to resolve a conflict, up to getting a third party involved for conflict resolution (interpersonal mediation). And any therapist who doesn't offer proof of doing this should be barred from practice...I'm deadly serious about this. Every time I speak with a client I'm demonstrating my core belief, that no matter what happens to us, no matter what we have done, we can transform it from a cruel, cold, tragedy into something human and real. We can learn, we can change. We can offer honest and sincere apology...Therapy, receiving therapy almost killed me. It is reasonable to state that bad therapy has probably pushed people into suicide; people don't complain, they feel that whatever goes wrong must be their fault - until they hear or read otherwise, so I'm left again and again with the same conclusion, I need to speak up and speak out. I am honour bound not to raise a complaint against the therapist. His upset would transmit to his clients, he has proved himself to be a leaky vessel, unable to contain his feelings. So I must speak up and try to get a change in how complaints are managed, and warn other people, to enable them to name the abuse they are creating or experiencing...because it is in an abuser's best interest that you stay ignorant, that you don't name what happened, and that you stay silent.

The problem...is that the shame then remains squarely on the shoulders of victims. It has to go somewhere. In the eyes of the abuser, keeping the shame on the victim means that their side - their actions - have legitimacy. Legitimacy, again, is the state of feeling confident that you are in the right. For abusers, they want others to see them as legitimate, even if they themselves know they are in the wrong. Shame, on the other hand, is the state of feeling humiliated because you believe you are in the wrong. Abusers want to be sure others do not see them as the bearers of shame. This battle between shame and legitimacy is often at the heart of cover-ups. This is also why abusers find it so difficult, if not impossible, to truly apologize.

Mullen, Wade. Something's Not Right: Decoding the Hidden Tactics of Abuse -and Freeing Yourself from Its Power.