More diary...

One of the legacies of my therapy is that I doubt myself about how bad the end of my marriage was. The therapist dismissed my fear and it was too easy to feel that he was right...and something of that injustice remains.

Finding my diary shows me that things were much, much worse than I remember. It shows me that when I heard fear in my voice as I spoke about my husband to the therapist, my fear was justified. 

So what had happened on April 4th 2020?

I'd asked my husband the question again 'is it over (his relationship with a colleague) because it doesn't feel as if it is!' 

Five months later, there was the final lie in September 2020. After that I was well on the way to understanding my true predicament. The metaphor was  'Alien' the film. My husband, like the synth - the character Ash - had had an agenda. The crew - our family - were expendable. And we had been unwitting hosts to something that was unable to stop itself tearing us apart from the inside out.

Fortunately there is my paper journal - as these are so much harder to delete. Reading the opening lines I am appalled by how the therapist dismissed my fear. The therapist's attitude towards my emotions; fear of my husband, and my feelings of yearning (for the therapist as a man!) were short-sighted, ignorant, cruel and self serving.

But, there it is, what actually happened...I had been hit, pushed, I fell. I was having to split myself into two to act as if everything was fine to avoid more conflict.

So, the therapist used developmental theory as a cover story?

If the therapist had  said, 'perhaps you didn't recognise how bad things were because you simply believed that arguments are normal and resolvable because when you were a child that is how your family behaved?' He might have been onto something. I'm beginning to wonder if a stable upbringing creates kids with blindsight, unable to recognise abuse, because it makes zero sense to them! 

But imagine, if you were a therapist and if a client told you that they had suffered physical abuse from their husband, and in the final session you asked them again how they felt about that husband - and they said that they still felt fear...and you didn't ask them how they could get to safety...not even "are you safe?"

OK I'm trying really hard now - did I minimise all this when I talked to the therapist? 

I've just re-read the transcripts, I didn't minimise - and I'd noted in my annotations that as I listened to the recording I could hear that fear was in my voice.

So...that is shocking actually.

My observation is that he used 'developmental theory' as a cover story. Not least because it explains to his satisfaction why clients don't open up. These clients probably made the hour frustrating for him, and he felt as if he wasn't doing his job - so, blame the client.

In one transcript he explains that a person finds it hard to talk about what happened to them because developmentally they came from a family that anytime this person revealed part of themselves they were put down. They were ripped apart verbally, they were told that they were rubbish. 

He continues, describing their inability to talk to him about deeper things happening because  there is transference happening here -  because they fear that if they told me what they really came about, and we can explore it, I'm going to do that to them. ... And if I just say to this person, 'OK talk to me, talk to me, just talk to me' like flicking a switch - they can't do it. They can't do it because all this stuff is in the way..

First, I'd like to point out that I don't expect people to put me down because I'm truthful. But I'm not going to be open with someone I can't trust...simply stating that as a therapist you are a safe person to talk to, isn't your call. And I remember him more or less saying, talk to me, talk to me, just talk to me', as he was telling me that I'd written something in an email - which I knew I hadn't said - so I picked up my phone to check!

Direct quote:

Me - "So - within that email I explained what I meant"

He - Tell me..tell me here.

I pick up my phone to read the email.

He - almost wails... No not on your phone, communicate with me!

And safe communication - with a therapist?

11/10/21

Me - "...I need an invite to talk about the not OK things - and I'm not OK at this moment."

He - So it was up to you to answer it in what ever way you felt comfortable with - so where's the problem there?

I had just said "I'm not OK at this moment" and that I needed an invite to talk about 'not OK things'.

Well over and over I reach the same conclusion, therapy fails when ruptures are not addressed. 

But there is a deeper problem; the man needed to believe the illusion that he is a 'safe' person to talk to. His language is fine with someone who is OK, but I was absolutely, completely not OK. It is also a kind of language equals might use, I was hyper aware of the unequal power dynamic. My apparently contrary and tangential was how I avoided evoking similar crass (in therapy terms) statements from him. What did he say 'I wonder if there is something in you that makes you need to be contrary'? Without being able to point out that his emotional responses, misunderstandings, and inability to accept that he makes mistakes, and especially any hint of apology, means that he really isn't safe for clients to talk to.

Despite being really fragile, I tried.

I wasn't blocked by the enormity or impact of what had happened - but I brought a direct confrontation with what he thought therapy should be, and the reality, into his room. I needed him to be as honest and as open as I am...and that wasn't possible for him to do,

He believes that is because of developmental issues - I assume.

I don't believe that, I think there is something in his recent past. And I would love to know exactly what that is.