The Thorne session.

The 3lack 3ox contained some journal notes, all hastily written into my phone. 

When I read those notes I was surprised!

I discovered that it had been the Brian Thorne incident that had caused me to seriously consider recording our sessions. I had thought it was being called a minx. I also thought that I'd recorded the 'Thorne' session. 

Now I understand why this isn't the case.

But way back in February 2021 when he raised an eyebrow, looking directly at me and said.......

....my response, after the rippling shock waves had passed through me and beyond, was to question and doubt  my behaviour, not his. 

It was the Brian Thorne disagreement three months later that actually enabled me to doubt him. At the time, or rather during that session, I was so blindsided by the energy of his disagreement! I had no idea what pulled him away from the subject of should there be or not be a governing body who decides what qualifications a person must have to be a therapist. It felt like were were talking about something else. And I felt accused, demonized and 'put in my place'. 

I had probably said my usual, that sometimes a person needs to break rules to act with integrity. And though in contracting we clearly say that sometimes we have no choice., what I do has to be in my client's best interest, giving them space to feel safe enough to take that leap of faith. In my mind, a standardised approach might flatten one the most controversial aspects of therapy; how to use intuition, empathy, feelings and trust in the client.

Being able to write assignments doesn't mean a person is able to do that!

But how had we had got to that subject? 

Well Brian Thorne had made some very bold statements against the British Association of  Counsellors and  Psychotherapists proposal to standardize training for therapists. I wasn't sure what I thought about it, but I respect Brian Thorne. I thought his argument was relevant.

But how on earth did I then find myself positioned, during this conversation as a rule breaker?

I imagine Kit would have said something like, if you sign up for something you have to follow the rules. And this would touch a raw nerve in me for sure. In the very first therapy I had when I was married to a man so haunted by his own demons.... I'd needed to know that the therapist would listen to me before reporting my husband's behaviour. The last thing I needed or wanted was someone making decisions based on a checklist. I had the life of my daughters and the danger of my husband's state of mind to consider. I needed a therapist who I felt would work with me, and not feel justified in acting in accord with rules.

In terms of power, a therapist making any decisions that might have triggered my husband into more panic, would have stripped me of the tiny bit of power I held onto. At that time, in her sessions, my ability to stay calm, to plan, to stay connected with friends mattered. It would have been very good, very important, if I'd felt supported instead of dismissed as white working class...

And then, if social services get involved, the definition of better is again defined in terms that fit boxes ticked on the checklist.

To go back to the start of therapy, the standard therapy contract made it crystal clear that I would not be able to be honest with her. As someone working in the NHS I knew what 'help' could mean, and I couldn't risk an intervention into my, and my daughter's lives that would make things worse. What I was dealing with wasn't theoretical. I knew, after I heard that contract that I was on my own, and that it was up to me to handle the situation. Of course, every time I explain the therapy contract to clients, I remember how I felt when I heard those words.  My experiences certainly taught me that sometimes the contract has to be dissolved for a levelling (as opposed to the therapist's diagnosis of me as likely to be crossing thresholds), because if a client is unable to speak openly for fear of what might happen...the therapist is compounding and sealing the suffering - and yes - creating more trauma. Nailing down the coffin lid is the possibility I was facing. Seriously, we have no right as therapists to increase a person's sense of isolation, powerlessness and exile..

Unfortunately my notes don't shed much light on what actually happened in the Brian Thorne debacle.  But, on thinking about it, this understanding I have about the complexity of the world, seems to be at the core. I spoke about SCoPEd from my lived experience - nothing theoretical about it.

31st May 2021 

Him. Tight lipped - several times. Lectured at. Some disagreement about Brian Thorne but mostly I was feeling deeply, deeply hurt...Desperately got to weave something positive from the shredded mess of my heart ...

Should I be truthful, act as I feel when I next see him, as if the light has gone out of me...?

Will I have any choice? 

Will I manage to patch my delusion enough to stop me from continuing this fall?

I have to... No choice. 

Soul dismemberment and loss otherwise. 

--

At that time - in this therapy -  I really was vulnerable, I had needed support. What ever this dispute was about I cannot actually know. I can only imply from other things he said later. Such as when he said:  'I remember when - don't know how long ago now, let's say 6 months, and you were having some problems with the ethical rules of your professional body....' 

This wasn't true at all.

Brian Thorne taught me that person centred therapy is radical and controversial, because the person-centred approach is inherently subversive! And me being me, I would have been saying to Kit that I don't allow myself the luxury of handing over responsibility for my actions to others, I don't blindly follow orders. 

How could that ever be, why was that in his view, an inflammatory stance? 

Kit's statement, 'if you have signed up to a system you either change them from within or leave' is something I totally agree with. 

But, there are times when this truly isn't possible, unless you value your reputation and security above the hearts. minds, life of others who may be in desperate need. Integrity requires me to be willing to break rules - and the conversation afterwards will be with my supervisor!

So this theme, or rather Kit feeling entitled to grill me about my ethics, has appeared in other sessions, specifically the pointless discussion about the books I'd have in my imaginary library! 

Anyway, the Brian Thorne dispute was awful - for me. But it was also bad practice, he'd created an interaction which ended with the client feeling as if their light has been blown out. 

It felt as if there was more to it - factor X -  this is why I started recording! 

Yet I wasn't sure about the rights and wrongs of recording; talk about ethical decisions!

I waited a month before recording anything.

Certainly the better option is to talk about what has happened, because ruptures are incredibly positive experiences when handled correctly - but I'd experienced the 'rupture' process before with him in the beginning of our sessions. 

His response followed a predictable pattern.

1. I'm so sorry that you feel that way.
2. It wasn't my intention.
3. Let me explain what I meant.

And what it needed to be is:

1. First, the therapist brings the subject of rupture into the room - because they should be aware of it! The therapist will have made self reflective notes and be as aware as possible of what had gone on for them; their feelings and thoughts. Very little conjecture about the client.
2. It starts with an apology, and an invitation to talk about it now or later, or not at all, before any other subject is opened up.
3. The conversation is safe, not defensive or aversive. It stays focused on curiosity and empathy and on self reflection, self awareness, and positive action to put things right.

So once again I'm asking myself why don't I complain, especially as I get to speak to so many people who don't. All I can say so far is, though it appears that people who don't complain are dismissing their own authority and validity of experience, not complaining is pretty normal. Because it feels as if the complaint process will crush us, financially, or emotionally, and not lead anywhere good. 

I don't believe consigning it to oblivion is the only sensible alternative.

I trust myself, and my clients to set about understanding and finding out what happens next...